---

Everyday I give thanks to the Goddess
I have two mounds upon my bodice
I shave my legs, I sit down to pee
I can justify any shopping spree
Not to a barber, but a beauty salon
Can get a massage without a hard on

Can balance the checkbook, pump my own gas
Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass
I always save money by using coupons
Can admit to others when I am wrong

Don't drive in circles at any cost
So I don't have to admit when I am lost
Don't act like I'm in a timed marathon
Every time I go to the john

Let me tell you men
Listen to me boys
Those things in your pants
That you treat as toys
You love them more then we ever will
We would rather suck on a cold pickled dill

I spend two hours preparing for a date
Only to find you're two hours late
I don't watch movies with lots of gore
Don't need instant replay to remember the score

I won't lose my hair
I don't get jock itch
And just cause I'm assertive
Don't call me a bitch

I don't wear the same underwear everyday
The food in my fridge has no sign of decay
I don't go to Sears
To look at the tools
I don't cheat at poker
I follow the rules

I don't smoke cigars
Don't pay for drinks at bars
I don't punch my friends just to say "Hi"
And it's o.k. for me to cry

I know all you men
Think that you're "IT"
But compared to a woman
You just ain't SHIT!

In prison you get three square meals a day.
At home, you cook three square meals a day and try to get your kids to eat it.

In prison you get an hour each day in the yard to exercise and mingle.
At home you get to clean the yard up so you can mow it so your kids can spread more toys all over it so that you can go out and clean it again
because little Jr. can't sleep without his latest lego creation.

In prison you get to watch TV, cable even.
At home you get to listen to your children fight over the remote control and
get treated to hours and hours of mindless cartoons thanks to cable.

In prison you can read whatever you want and attend college for free.
At home you get to read weekly readers starring Dick, Jane, and Spot
and worry about how to send Jr. to college and still be able to eat for the
next twenty years.

In prison all your medical care is free.
At home you have to pawn your mother's silver and fill out trillions of papers
for insurance and hope the doctor will see you before you die.

In prison, if you have visitors, all you do is go to a room, sit, talk and then say good-bye when you are ready or your time is up.
At home you get to clean for days in advance and then cook and clean
up after your guests and hope that they will one day leave.

In prison you can spend your free time writing letters or just hang out in
your own space all day.
At home you get to clean your space and everyone else's space, too, and what the heck is free time again?

In prison you get your own personal toilet.
At home you have to physically hold the bathroom door shut in order to keep from having someone standing over you demanding to know how long till you're done so you can do something for them.

In prison the prison laundry takes care of all your dirty clothes.
At home you get to take care of them yourself, plus everybody else's, and get yelled at because somebody's favorite shirt isn't clean.

In prison they take you everywhere you need to go.
At home you take everybody else where they need to go.

In prison the guards transport all your personal effects for you and make sure
nothing is missing.
At home you have to lug around everybody else's stuff in your purse and then wonder who went in it and took your last dollar.

In prison there are no screaming or whining children or spouses asking you to do something else for them, or screaming at you because you didn't.

At home....stop me when I get to the downside of jail, will ya?

A country girl save up her money and went on a cruise ship. Before she
left her mother stressed that she should be good.
One night the Captain saw her and invited her to his table. Once the meal
was over he invited her to his cabin. At first she declined saying that her mum has said she had to be good. At last he convinced her it would be all right. Once in the cabin he kept trying to seduce her, but everytime she said that her mum had told her she must be good.
Totally frustrated he threw her into the bunk, ripped off his clothes and said "If we don’t have sex I shall sink this ship and all the people in her".
The next day the girl sent a cable to her mum:
"Have been very good, mum, I saved the ship and all 457 people in it".

Her Doctor; he says, "Take your clothes off."
Her Dentist; he says, "Open wide."
Her Veterinarian; he says, "And how is your little pussy doing today?"
Her Gardener; he says, "Do you want me to mulch your bush?"
Her Hairdresser; he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?"
Her Interior Decorator; he says, "You'll like it once it's in."
Her Remodeler; he says, "It fits tongue-in-groove with a little
hammering."
Her Milkman; he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"
Her Banker; he says, "If you take it out, you'll lose interest."
Her TV repairman; he says, "Let me play with your knobs first."
Her Butcher; he says, "I have a hard salami for you!"

One day, this woman went to a bait shop to get her husband a fishing
reel for his birthday.  After selecting one, she inquired as to its
cost. The owner replied, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but I'm blind and cannot see
what reel you have.  If you drop it on the floor, I'll recognize it and
be of more help."
So she did just that.  After hearing it hit the floor, the owner said,
"That's the Johnson Model 9400. It'll be $40.00."  The woman decided to
take it so she went to pick it up off the floor. Upon bending over, she
laid a stinky, squeaky fart.  The owner rang up the sale and said,
"That'll be fifty dollars."
"Fifty dollars?!?!" the woman exclaimed. "You just told me that is was
forty dollars a moment ago!"
"Yes, I did", said the owner,  "But that was for the reel.
The duck call is another $7.50 and the stink bait is $2.50."
 
 

EXERCISE   1:  REFRIDGERATE TWO BOOKENDS (PREFERABLY METAL) OVERNIGHT.  LAY ONE OF YOUR BREASTS (EITHER WILL DO) BETWEEN THE TWO BOOKENDS AND SMASH THE BOOKENDS TOGETHER AS HARD AS YOU CAN. REPEAT TWICE DAILY.

EXERCISE   2:   LOCATE A PASTA MAKER OR OLD WRINGER WASHER. FEED THE BREAST INTO THE MACHINE AND START MANUALLY CRANKING.  REPEAT TWICE DAILY.

EXERCISE  3: (ADVANCED)  SITUATE YOURSELF COMFORTABLY ON YOUR SIDE ON THE GARAGE FLOOR.  PLACE ONE OF YOUR BREASTS SNUGLY BEHIND THE REAR TIRE OF THE FAMILY VAN.  WHEN YOU GIVE THE SIGNAL, HUBBY WILL SLOWLY EASE THE VAN INTO REVERSE.  HOLD FOR FIVE SECONDS.
REPEAT ON THE OTHER SIDE.
 
JUST  A SHORT NOTE ;
 
WOMEN DO NOT SNORE, BURP, OR FART. THEREFORE, THEY MUST BITCH, OR THEY WILL BLOW UP!
 
SENIOR CITIZENS ARE THE BIGGEST CARRIER OF AIDS!
HEARING AIDS ,,,,,,,,,,BANDAIDS,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,ROLLAIDS,,,,,,,,,WALKING AIDS,, MEDIC-AID,,,,,,GOVERNMENT AID,,,,,,,AND MOST OF ALL MONETARY AID TO THEIR CHILDREN!

                        - Neil Peart, 1991 -
 

 Home is where the harddisk is 

                           (prepared and presented by males)

1. Elementary Map Reading

2. Crying and Law Enforcement

3. Advanced Math Seminar: Programming your VCR Plus

4. You CAN Go Shopping for Less than 4 Hours

5. Gaining Five Pounds vs. The End of the World: A Study in Contrast

6. The Seven-outfit Week

7. PMS: It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine (Formerly titled: "It's Happened
    Monthly Since Puberty - Deal with It")

8. Driving I: Getting Past Automatic Transmissions

9. Driving II: The Meaning of Blinking Orange Lights

10. Driving III: Approximating Constant Speed

11. Driving IV: Makeup and Driving - It's as Simple as Oil and Water

12. Football: Not a Game - A Sacrament

13. Telephone Transitions: (Formerly Titled: "Me too Equals I Love You")

14. How to Earn Your Own Money

15. Gift-Giving Fundamentals (Formerly Titled: "Fabric Bad, Electronics Good")

16. Putting the Toilet Seat Down by Yourself: Gravity is on Your Side

17. Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry

18. Yes, You Can Fill Up at a Self Service Station

19. Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels

20. What Goes Around Comes Around: Why his Credit Card is Not a Toy

21. His Best Friends Can Be Yours Too

22. His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out

23. Committment Schmittment (Formerly Titled "Wedlock Schmedlock")

24. To Honor and Obey: Remembering the Small Print Above "I Do"

25. Why You Mother is Unwelcome in the House

26. Your Mate: Self Bastard or Victimized Sensitive Man? 

HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix,
empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor,
placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle,
excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch,
toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave,
return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show
equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower,
shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about,
acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help,
acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear,
understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim,
nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm,
allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt,
commit, enlist, pine, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle,
snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve,
bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on
the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey,
hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I
die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize,
humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world,
wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry,
knead, puree, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow,
dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go
back, Jack, and do it again.
 
 

HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME
 

Show up naked. 

 Sister Mary Barbie:
 This spiritual Barbie comes with jointed knees and neck for
genuflecting
 and praying, mini-rosary beads, a mini-Bible, and a black sequined
nun's
 habit (after all, she's still Barbie).  Pull the string on her back and

 she says nothing because she's taken a vow of silence.

 Admin Barbie:
 Works twenty hour days for little pay (80% of Admin Ken's salary), and
 is the lowest on the totem pole despite being the one that actually
runs
 the group.  Comes with mini-laptop.  Pull the string on her back and
 she'll schedule a meeting with your other dolls, replace the toner
 cartridge in the laser printer, coordinate a reorg and a move, and
order
 airline tickets for Director Ken.

 Temp Barbie:
 This smartly dressed, intelligent, hard-working and enthusiastic Barbie

 is ready to go right out of the box, but usually goes untouched for at
 least a day while everyone tries to figure out why they bought her.
Pull
 the string on her back and she'll stuff envelopes indefinitely, all the

 while wondering why she got a liberal arts degree.  Comes with
 mini-resume, and mini-filing cabinet filled with the past five years'
 worth of US Tax Code revisions which need to be collated.

 Ripped-Off-In-The-Divorce-Settlement Barbie:
 Pull the string on her back and she unloads a torrent of insults and
 death threats for her ex's new wife.  Comes with a hatred for all men
 and a Malibu Barbie tan (except for a white band on her left hand ring
 finger).

 Twelve Step Barbie:
 Pull the string on her back and she says, "Hi, I'm Barbie and I'm an
 alcoholic."  Comes with a "One Day At A Time" bumper sticker, a 30-day
 chip, coupons for free coffee, and a pack of smokes.

 Barbies We'd Like to See
 Birkenstock Barbie:
 Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and comfortable sandals.
 Made from recycled materials.

 Bisexual Barbie:
 Comes in a package with Skipper and Ken.

 Bite-The-Bullet Barbie:
 An anthropologist Barbie with pith helmet, camera, detachable limbs,
 fake blood, and the ability to perform surgery on herself in the
 Outback.

 Blue Collar Barbie:
 Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch pail, UAW membership,
 pamphlet on union organizing and pay scales for women as compared to
 men.  Waitressing outfits and cashier's aprons may be purchased
 separately for Barbies who are holding down second jobs in order to
make
 ends meet.

 Our Barbies Ourselves:
 Anatomically correct Barbie, both inside and out, comes with spreadable

 legs, her own speculum, magnifying glass, and detailed diagrams of
 female anatomy so that little girls can learn about their bodies in a
 friendly, non-threatening way.  Also included: tiny Kotex and booklets
 on sexual responsibility.  Accessories such as contraceptives, sex
toys,
 expanding uterus with fetus at various stages of development, and
breast
 pump are optional, underscoring that each young woman has the right to
 choose what she does with her own Barbie.

 Rabbi Barbie:
 So why not?  Women rabbis are on the cutting edge in Judaism.  Rabbi
 Barbie comes with tiny satin yarmulke, prayer shawl, teffilin, silver
 kaddish cup, and Torah scrolls.  Optional accessory: tiny mezzuzah for
 doorway of Barbie townhouse.

 Homegirl Barbie:
 A truly 'fly' Barbie in midriff-baring shirt and baggy jeans.  Comes
 with gold jewelry, hip-hop accessories, and plenty of attitude.  Pull
 her cord and she says things like, "I don't think so,"  "don't even go
 there!", "get outta my face," and "you go, girl!".  Teaches girls not
to
 take anything from men and condescending white people.

 Transgender Barbie:
 Formerly known as G.I. Joe.

 Robotic Barbie:
 Hey, kids, experiment with an autonomous two-legged walking machine!
 After falling over, she says, "Control theory is hard.  Damn these
spike
 heels anyway!"

 Dinner Roll Barbie:
 A Barbie with multiple love handles, double chin, a real curvy belly,
 generous breasts and hips, and voluminous thighs to show girls that
 voluptuousness is also beautiful.  Comes with a miniature basket of
 dinner rolls, Bucket o' Fried Chicken, tiny Entenmann's Walnut
Danishes,
 a brick of Breyer's ice cream, three packs of Doritos, a T-shirt
reading
 "Only the Weak Don't Eat,"  and, of course, an appetite.

--------

 The recent announcement that Mattel and the producers of "Baywatch"
have
 joined forces to create "Baywatch Barbie" came as no surprise.  After
 all, both companies have made millions off airheads with flawless skin,

 Malibu tans and synthetic, molded breasts.  If "Baywatch Barbie" sells
 well, other Barbie/TV tie-ins seem certain to follow.  Here's some
 possibilities:

 Melrose Place Barbie:
 Comes complete with her Barbie Dream Apartment, where Skipper and the
 rest of the gang live rent-free.  Other accessories include a bottle of

 vodka, silk sheets, and a warrant for arrest.

 Dr. Barbie, Medicine Woman:
 This helpful doll offers other homesteaders important tips like what
 conditioner to use out on the Plains and how to take care of their
nails
 while shoeing a horse.

 America's Most Wanted Barbie:
 She's on the run after 30 years of crime against feminism.

 Sally Jesse Raphael Barbie:
 Push a button on her back and this Barbie actually speaks!  Hold your
 very own talk show with topics like how tough math class is, Ballerina
 Barbie's struggle with bulimia, Ken who wears Barbie's clothes...

 My So-Called Barbie:
 She faces the same troubling issues as regular teens who don't have
huge
 wardrobes, perfect bods, pools, and ponies.

 Roseanne Barbie:
 The dark side of the American Dream is explored with this doll, which
 shows what happened after Barbie graduated from high school, married
too
 young and ate too much.

 Murder, Barbie:
 Whenever this elder stateswoman of the Barbie set (she's 27!) arrives
in
 the playhouse, all the other dolls mysteriously disappear.

Call.

Don't lie.

The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes." Ditto for
"Is she prettier than me?"
Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad.
A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.

Her cooking is excellent.
Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're
drunk.
You're wrong.
You're sorry.
Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so-names.
Her haircut is never bad.
Call
Don't lie.
The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit in the waiting room on your ass smoking cigars isn't fair either, and it balances everything out

Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see  me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room  skylight."